Please Hire Me
By Dan Markowitz
Thank you for the opportunity to interview with your company.
I am sure you have read my resume and have realized how qualified I am for this position. In fact, I am simultaneously overqualified and under-qualified, allowing my qualifications to surround you. So watch your back, because I could qualify you from any side.
I know you appreciated the many fonts that I used. You may think that my resume is handwritten on a dirty scrap of paper, but that is just because I used premium fonts, which I purchased from premium font websites. My resume deserves only the very best fonts, because I am the very best.
What can I bring to the table? Many things, including chairs, briefcases, and bagged lunches. If there is free food available, I may even bring friends who don’t work here.
I can take a lot from the table as well, especially office supplies.
Where do I see myself in five years? Hopefully riding a hover-board. I know that kind of technology is unlikely to exist in the near future, but I guess I’m just an optimist. Is optimism not a good trait for a job applicant to have?
In fact, I am so optimistic that I believe time travel will be possible in the near future as well. So when you ask where I see myself in ten years, please clarify which parallel timeline you are referring to.
My greatest weakness is probably a baseball bat with barbed wire wrapped around it, because those things look really painful, right?
A baseball bat with barbed wire wrapped around it is also my greatest strength–,when I’m the one holding it.
I have vast experience in this field, as well as in other fields, particularly the cornfield on my grandfather’s farm. Admittedly, he was not my grandfather in the technical sense. But I did live undetected in that field for several years.
You could definitely say that I’m a team player. I really consider myself more of a mascot, though. I believe that makes me the most valuable player on the team. It also means that I should be allowed to wear a bear costume to work.
I work well under pressure. Air pressure, preferably, but I could survive under water pressure if necessary.
How did I leave my previous job? Out the window and down the fire escape. Don’t ask me anything else about that. I swear, I’ll do it again if I have to.
Have I ever had to fire someone? Are you insinuating that I may be some sort of pyromaniac? Didn’t I just warn you not to ask about my last job?
Why yes, I do have a few questions for you, if you don’t mind.
What is your company’s policy on overtime? Can I stay in the office all night if I have to? Is there any sort of restriction on having a sleeping bag inside my cubicle? What about having multiple sleeping bags, so that some of them can act as decoys?
Actually, for the decoy sleeping bags to work, I will need to buy several mannequins. May I count that as a business expense?
By the way, I noticed that you never asked if I would be willing to relocate. Is that an option? Because I would absolutely relocate. The farther away from here, the better. Does your company have branches in other countries?
No, those aren’t sirens that you hear out the window—that’s just my phone’s ring tone. Please ignore the policeman yelling on the loudspeaker, and let’s get back to discussing relocation. Don’t worry about my family, I can contact them later. And I don’t even need any bags. If you have a car ready, I will relocate right now. Seriously.
By the way, I am also proficient in Microsoft Excel.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.